Crazy As Me: September 2005

Most of you know that my job has drastically changed within the past month. I am still technically the children’s ministry resident; but my job has morphed into the role of the interim children’s minister. My wonderful boss, mentor, and friend is no longer the children’s minister as of a few weeks ago. Needless to say it has been a tough month. My lack of blogging has come from the absence of words, not really knowing what to share or how to share it. In this post I will do my best to share the tension and growth that is going on in my mind and heart.

This morning as I sat at my desk and looked at my list of things to do, weekend calendar, and the pile of work & projects growing on my desk, my heart started to race. Then a little reminder popped up from my Outlook calendar that I had a meeting in 5 minutes. My heart began to race a little faster. I knew I wasn’t nervous about anything; I decided that this is what a panic attack must feel like. Now I know that it was not really a panic attack, but it sure wasn’t a feeling of control or balance. I went to this meeting still feeling very dysfunctional. It ended up being a good meeting, but my mind wasn’t with them the whole time. I decided then that I would ask for help in the form of a student worker.

Later this afternoon I talked to my new boss about getting some more help for our office. He was very receptive to the idea, but expressed concern for my stress. After talking about the factors contributing to the stress, he asked me if I could point to one thing that was causing my stress. I wish I had had a few minutes to think about this question. If so I probably would have come up with a very calculated, careful, professional answer. Instead I said, “I hate politics. And I feel like that is what my job has turned into.” I went on to say that in no way was I expressing that I wanted to leave my position or that I wasn’t still very committed to the ministry. I just tried to help him understand that I was frustrated in the new process that I am having to learn. I’m sure it is something that, inevitably, every minister- or working professional- must learn; it is just something that is causing the most frustration and stress for me at the present moment.

Tonight as I studied with friends at a local coffee joint, the conversation turned towards creation and the fall—basically systematic theology. I won’t go into our whole conversation, but the idea was brought up that we are on this earth to be conformed into Christ’s likeness. That idea went off like a firework in my head. Here I am learning how to be a politician, when I could be doing much more productive things that would transform me into the likeness of Christ.

It seems odd to me that right as my job is requiring much more of me, I am being presented with many more opportunities for service in our community. I am a big fan of Examen— acknowledging the things in your life that give you life and take away life. As I reflect over the past couple of weeks, my being at work wears me out, and sleep is what I look forward to most in my day. However over the past week, I have had trouble going to sleep on the nights that I come home from the Red Cross shelter. Last night after coming home from handing out sack-dinners to the homeless & hungry around Abilene (some tents not a mile from my place), I had to stay up awhile to let my mind process and contemplate the things I had witnessed. I came home energized and went up to the shelter to touch base with the people I have come to love there.

What I value in the discipline of Examen is that it is learning to see & acknowledge the presence and working of the Lord in both the things that give you life and take away life. He is with us always, in the good and the not so good. I have certainly witnessed this in my life lately. Though going to work is not my favorite thing, I often feel a strong presence of the Holy Spirit in my mind and heart. Too often lately I have kept my emotions together and used kind words, when my attitude was not one of kindness. That has the Holy Spirit written all over it. I would have broken down weeks ago without the Lord’s strength and abundant blessings of peace and calmness. My prayer throughout this whole ordeal with my job, throughout my experiences of being drawn toward social justice opportunities, and throughout my juggling of these things with my grad classes, has been that I will be transformed through the renewal of my mind, and that the Lord will give me wisdom in my inner being. The classes that I have right now are filling my head with all sorts of knowledge, but what I need most right now is wisdom deep within my soul. The wisdom to discern these experiences, and the renewal of my mind that I may change as a person and minister as I process these experiences.

“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.” Psalm 51

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

Crazy As Me

9.30.2005

9.23.2005

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